Summer

Hurrying through the door, walked into my life,

Late though he was, just perfect was the time.

I could be mad no more, and damn that smile

Oh boy, I knew it right then, I was in trouble!

Room full of people, but of all, life was at our table

She sang and danced, she loved him so, I could tell

I whispered to her under my breath, "Not letting him go"

He looked at my coffee and said, he likes his coffee hot.

I wonder when the walls came crashing down

and frosty glacial in my chest had a meltdown.

Opening up to him, I felt naked inside my clothes.  

He put his hands on mine, oh god he knows!

I slipped and I tripped until I couldn't help falling

Watch your step he said but caught me nonetheless.

Life, she played her tune and he knew, it was time.

Music that filled the room, was now only distant echoes.

Summer took my leave and with him, his silly jokes
Hot coffees will never again be warm enough for me.

Letter

A 20-year-old girlfriend crying in an elevator

And you're waiting for that 3-year-old letter

Move on, Baby, it ain't coming on a platter

Wonder why you still wanna have that letter

He hasn't called he hasn't called he hasn't cared

Live Laugh dance, for you never ever dared.

Please don't please don't wait up for that letter

Baby, Don't you see, without him you are so much better

It break break breaks me, baby, to see you suffering

I’m here, hey, why don't you please turn around

I'd Say I love you and hold you, pull out a ring

Baby, you set my whole world spinning round and round and round

If you say yes, yes, we could have all the incredible things

Every night I’ll whisper in your ears, the sweeter sweet nothings

Just needs a step from you and a step from me

For you to see, you and me, it's been here all along

And If it makes you feel better, I'm gonna write write write,

I'm gonna write you that letter.

Vodka Martini

Morning:

I had been driving for quite some time now, I was not even sure where this road would wind up at. As long as I could keep my thoughts away, I didn't mind driving. Only when I had put a few good kilometers between the two of us did I allow myself to feel anything at all. Unanticipatedly, I felt a big lump forming on the back of my throat. The gravity of the situation was finally sinking in. Hot tears formed and began stinging my eyes, it blurred my vision. I pulled over, carried my trembling feet out of the car. At once, all the strength escaped me and I found myself crying hysterically. I dissolved in tears as I looked back at the day when my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. I was overjoyed when he had first proposed the idea to me. That, I thought was the conclusive level of commitment he ever could offer me. We had been living together for two years now. I knew not what had gone wrong or when the downfall really began.

This morning I had been very stressed about the meeting I was running late for. I left the house in haste, while on my way to the office, I realized I left my pen-drive on our couch. Damning myself, I drove all the way back and rushed to our apartment. I rang the doorbell a couple of times and he did not answer. I opened the door with my keys and I headed straight for the pen-drive when I saw my boyfriend all baffled and half naked. I was a little perplexed to find him in the state he was in, that's when a woman walked out of our bedroom. I went cold for a moment and I did not know how to react. She had a perfect body and a bewitching smile. I recognized her from somewhere. She was from his office, I'd met her at a social gathering. She was covering herself with my boyfriend's white shirt. The one that I had always loved to wear. I pulled myself back to the current situation and words were stuck in my throat. I wanted to scream, cry, break things, run away. I just didn't want to stand there anymore. I pushed myself to go upstairs and furiously started packing stuff. I didn't know what to take with me and what to leave behind. I took a moment to compose myself when he walked in the room, he was saying something. My thoughts drowned his words and I didn't look at him. I didn't want any explanations, I felt he deserved no reaction from me. I had gone cold and nothing could be done to warm my heart. I took all my clothes from the wardrobe and dumped them in my bag, took everything from the bathroom. I picked up the bag and I dragged it across the room. Then, he stood at the door blocking my way, and by his actions, I think he was trying to apologize. I wasn't fit to register anything that he was saying. I had gone numb to feel anything right now. My whole life was coming crashing down, but no one should have had the satisfaction of seeing me break down. No! I pushed him aside gently without uttering a word and I opened my car trunk. I threw in my bag with a loud thud and closed it with such a force that had his neck been there in the middle, it'd snap with a single blow. I got in my car and drove away.

Thoughts brought back to present. I had been driving since as if the speed will relieve me off of my thoughts. Stopping here was a good idea, after all, I thought to myself. I leaned on my car bonnet and see that the sun is soon to set.

Evening:

I felt the tears roll down my cheeks. I realized I was in the middle of nowhere and had been watching this couple in a bungalow alongside the road. The couple was comfortably seated in their balcony having coffee. They had a world of their own, they had everything that I ever wanted. He was reading the newspaper and she had her legs placed on his lap while enjoying some music in her headphones. They looked perfect, they had a home to call theirs. She looked up at me and I realize I must have looked like a creep intruding their privacy. I looked away and wiped off my tears. It is then that I decided to never cry over this again. I seated myself back in the car and started the car and engine sprang back to life. I resumed the directionless journey. I felt somewhat lighter.

The road ahead was so beautiful, it gradually rose and fell and took me closer to the ever so handsome a sunset. I had come far away from the city. Soon enough the sun went down and it got pretty dark. I was looking for someplace I can rest for the night. After driving for about 10  more miles, I spotted a beautifully lit bar, just in time, or I would have driven right past it. I stopped for a moment, "should I have a drink?", I thought to myself. I considered it, but I had to drive again since I saw no motel nearby. I realized I didn't have anywhere or anyone to go back to. I might just find a place to rest here. I parked my car on a piece of barren land and walked to the bar. Meanwhile, I checked my phone out of habit. There were several missed calls from him and office people and many text messages from our common friends. 'Should I forgive him, should I give him a chance to explain? He has cheated on me and I should not fall for his falsehood... He is a good person, but I deserve better. I can not.', this settled in and I turned my phone off. I was in the middle of some thought when someone spoke in a loud voice. His voice almost made me jump and I looked as startled as I was. He put up his hands defensively apologizing. I felt my heart racing, took a deep breath and manage a weak smile. He says, 'Sorry to have scared you, you don't seem to be from around here.' I observed he had a handsome face and a sort of kind reassuring smile. There was something in him that makes me want to trust him. A stranger. He spoke again,"Hello?" waving his hand in front of my face, "you seem a little lost, ma'am?". I noticed he had been studying my face and I must have looked a little stupid. He started to walk away, something about this whole affair compelled me to keep the conversation going. I called out after him, "Hi, I was driving by and am a little lost. Hoping to find a place to stay. Is this a good place?". He looked a little surprised almost as if he thought I couldn't speak at all. He replied with somewhat a playful smile,"It's my birthday and I am offering you free drinks, what say?". I could only muster a smile. I walk with him to the bar, there was a comfortable silence that we shared while we walked.

"Too strong for you?" said he while handing me the Vodka martini after we settled in a cozy spot at the rear end of the bar. "You bet!" I replied with an equal tease in my tone. Something in him was so exciting and intriguing. He had an ease in his conversing style, friendly and warm. He could involve you in a conversation like you are old friends. I almost forgot about my boyfriend. We talked about all the random things he brought up. We had been talking a lot considering I had only just met him. He made me forget about all the things that could have put me in a dark place with no return.

As alcohol kicked in, despite my reserved nature, I poured my heart out to him. I explained everything to him, to a stranger, and what is more absurd? He seemed to understand. I felt my story was safe with him, there was no fear of getting judged. I said to him, "I am sorry I know I have practically ruined your birthday. I really shouldn't have. Sorry, I must go.". I get up to leave when I lose my balance. He helps me stand and then hands me a glass of water. He said,"I don't think it's a good idea to drive now..." and offered me to stay at his place. I hesitate for a moment, it must have been quite evident on my face because he quickly added, "Only because I am also quite drunk and can't offer to drive you back home.". I anyway don't have a home to go to so I gladly accepted his offer. He took me by hand and walked me out of the bar. We walked all the way to his apartment, it was just around the corner. It was pitch dark outside, I was glad he held my hand, I had always been scared of darkness. I felt a little secure and suddenly I remembered everything, began sobbing. He wrapped me in his strong arms and whispered some comforting words. When he withdrew from the embrace, I am not sure why but I leaned in for a kiss. He stepped back in surprise. I realized what I just did and I was totally flushed and embarrassed. I looked away, and as if he read my mind, in order to interrupt my thoughts, he quickly pointed to the starlit sky. Relieved by the change of subject, I looked up and saw a canopy of millions of bright stars scattered in the night sky. One doesn't often see so many stars, the skies in cities are often smog and pollution clad. We arrived at his place and I was a little tipsy. He opened the door and I walked in. It was warm inside, I took the couch. We must have talked all night, I remember crying on many occasions. He listened very patiently, provided all the reassurance that I needed at that moment. I don't know when I fell asleep.

Morning:

I woke up on the couch grumpy and with a headache. There was bright sun shining outside the french windows of the living room. I hadn't paid attention to how beautiful and spacious the room was. I pushed myself to sit up and rubbed my head. I found him still sleeping on the rocking chair, his head was rested on the chair in a very awkward position. His mouth was half open and I had to subside a chuckle. I sat there for some time wondering what to do next, "should I go back to sleep or wake him up? No, should I silently leave and walk back to my car?". I decided to do nothing, simply sit there and wait for him to wake up. I tried to get my phone, I frantically started groping my trouser pocket. My phone was lying on the lamp table opposite the couch. I got up to take it. I wanted to check important notifications if any, but shoot! The phone was dead. There is a water jug, I suddenly felt so thirsty, I felt dehydrated. I grab the glass next to it and pour some water. I felt the water in my throat and flowing down into my stomach. I was starving. I stumbled while placing the glass back and that woke him up. It was awkward and for one horrible moment, I thought he is going to ask who I am and what was I doing in his apartment. "What am I doing in his apartment?",I thought to myself. I said,"Ummm sorry, didn't mean to disturb. But the glass... s..sorry.". He stood and flexed his muscles, "Coffee?". Glad he remembers me, I nod my head and a familiar smile crossed my lips. I followed him to the kitchen and draw a kitchen table to sit at the counter. I said to him, "You stay all by yourself? Family...?" and he looked a little troubled while he answered, "My parents stay downtown. I don't live with them anymore, fought with them. I wanted to move in with the girl I loved. I moved out a year ago and rented this apartment so I can move in with her. Things were great till she fell out of love and broke up with me last month. Since then I have been living alone. ". I felt sorry for him, we both had similar stories. He handed me the cup of coffee and got some chocolate cookies for us. I took a sip of the coffee, and it was perfect. I finished the coffee and got up to leave. I say, "Thank you so much, for letting me spend the night here and for tolerating me last night. Oh, and happy birthday, just realized didn't wish you yesterday." and he came forward, takes my hand, "Oh I am glad you remembered, only that it wasn't my birthday yesterday." and flashed his perfect teeth at me. At that moment an emotion so strong took over me and I threw myself at him and I kissed him. He kissed me back this time. At this little moment, we were one and it felt nice. I gathered myself and said to him,"This is crazy, we only met yesterday!" and he laughs with a funny snort. He said,"Let's meet often then?" and I say "Maybe!". He says, "Maybe works for me..". We kissed again.

Five years later,

Morning:

I woke up grumpy and had a severe headache from last night. I see him, he is asleep and he was sleeping upside down. Surely I must have kicked his face throughout the night. I walk towards the edge of the bed and sit down beside him. He looks so adorable and the sunlight through the window makes his light brown hair shine like liquid gold. I run my fingers through his hair and he wakes up. I said, "Sorry didn't mean to wake you hon... I just..". He smiled with a sweet child-like innocence in his sleepy eyes and said stretching his arms,"coffee?". Can't help but smile. Everytime.

A Bus Stop Story

Life becomes a series of routine activities once you are in the corporate setting. You realize this meager thing when you start working. Your eye-popping college life is only a reminiscence, the time when you were young and zippy. My job life was quite within the blameless box of 9 to 5. Although living this dreary life did not delight me very much. Furthermore, my friend was leaving town in short order. There was a great deal changing around me yet I was going to be doing just the same old job. It gave a bitter feeling of being left behind. It was a little too much to handle. I felt high and dry all the time.
Meanwhile like any other day, I was traveling to work when my colleagues planned for a movie considering it was a Friday. I readily agreed, I unquestionably needed the change. Something to take mind off of my thoughts. The plan was altered later, changing it to sheer eat-out plan at the nearby mall. Even if that was not the original plan I was much obliged that I'd have a break from the routine. I was very glad for the distraction it was already giving me. All of us walked down to the parking, we had decided to take the auto rickshaw to the mall with forethought. I had no clue that one of the colleagues had a car that he used to commute to the office. All of us jam-packed ourselves in the car, listening to pop music and laughing away. We explored the food court, what better therapy than food, right? While everyone was good-humored and upbeat, even supposing I was happy my brain was pondering over the doleful thoughts. They joked, laughed and added each other as friends and followers on various social media platforms. Well, all of us had a good time, I won't call it great. It was a nice rendezvous.
We finished munched on our food and ended the meal with some chocolate doughnuts. We are the generation of social media validated happenings, so we were essentially required to click some cool pictures before it was time for us to leave. So the guy with the car offered to drop a friend of mine and me. I thought and decided against it forasmuch as it would be better if I could get on a bus from the mall. So, my friend dropped me off at the bus stop and left. No sooner was she gone than I felt horribly alone. I was standing unaccompanied at the bus stop with a few perfect strangers. No familiar faces to comfort me while I was on feet there. It was 9 PM, and I was sweating bullets, I knew because I was checking the watch intermittently.
The orange street lamps always looked unnerving. these lights have always made me feel out of sorts. I can't bring to mind any incident that could be the reason for this feeling. But somehow I do feel sad and obscure when I am alone under one of these lamps. Oh and desolate evenings, make me feel worse.
While I was getting restless with every passing minute, it had started drizzling by that time. I just wanted to reach home without harm. Strangely the route I took regularly looked quite spooky at this hour. I saw one bus arriving and I got on the bus. I didn't know the route very well but I got on it anyway. As soon as I got on the bus, I asked for the ticket and the conductor said the bus took a very long route to my place. He suggested that I get off at the next stop and take another route. I willingly got out of that bus, while it had crossed a considerable distance. I started walking back to the previous bus stop, I didn't notice the distance that the bus covered until now. The bus stop didn't actualize for a long time, and on my way back I kept looking for the ongoing buses in hopes to not miss my bus till I got to the stop. I passed a few broken down shops, some shady slums, and some intimidating people. They looked at me, and their gaze made me walk faster. After what felt like ages I finally arrived at the bus stop. Many people must have gotten on their buses, as there were fewer people on the bus stop now. I was waiting there impatiently. This night was turning into a nightmare, to my horrendous realization. I was still engrossed in my thoughts when a lady roughly in her late twenties interrupted me. She wanted to know if she missed the bus to Vashi. I told her I was here for a quite a long time, and I hadn't seen that bus pass. She looked quite relieved by that. She said, "Where do you have to go? Do you stay somewhere nearby?" to this I looked up from my phone and said,"No I don't stay here, I work here". She then asked,"Do you usually travel so late?" and I said,"No, I usually take the company bus and leave by 6. Today we friends ate out so...". Then her bus arrived and I pointed that out to her, she thanked me and got on the bus. Leaving me alone again. I was a little lifted after the small talk. I was feeling a lot better, I was glad she spoke to me, although I didn't know it back then, I really needed it. Just after her bus left, my bus came right after. I knew the route of this bus, I had traveled by it a countless number of times before. I got on the bus and realized I did not have the change for my ticket, but that was the least of my worries. Yet the fact that the conductor might just embarrass me in front of so many people on the bus worried me. I gave the hundred rupee note to the conductor, and I was taken aback when the conductor took it and produced my ticket and gave the change back. He didn't argue with me for change. This rarely ever happens in Mumbai. I was mildly astounded at this but at the same time, I was genuinely thankful to that kind-hearted man. After a while, I sat there listening to music and lost in my thoughts. I was feeling safe again, at peace. My thoughts started moving aimlessly again to that friend who was leaving town soon. I may have to feel lonesome for quite a long time now. The drizzle turned to heavy rains and I thanked my stars for the comfortable seat in the bus while it was pouring outside.
My buoyant heart rested on the water of all emotions it had conceived. The difference now was, the water didn't feel cold anymore. 

Chaos

I want to bury my face in my hands and stay like that

I don't want anyone to see me really while I am sad

Every morning I hear myself say I am okay, don't pity me

Should the universe cease to move, it may let me be

I feel I don't deserve to wear a face for anyone to see

Shame, disgrace, indignity, echoes reverberating in me

My head heavy and it throbs, yet thoughts won't stop

Will I ever crack open the shell that holds me captive

None of this is true, only the monsters in my head​

Begged these monsters to pardon my sins please

They are my loyal old friends keeping a promise

Follow me everywhere, for a promise we never made

All day all nights they demand undivided attention

I hear my breaths, the gush of air faster than usual

For a while fast has been the usual and usual hasn't

Leave me, leave me alone, someone silence this chaos

My gaze locks at the glass door that shows my reflection

The reflection that doesn't deserve showing on anything​

This haunts me, makes me sleep in and out of the day

As I drift off at nights, and they sneak in my nightmares

I want to give up and be free of these lethal polarities

All I do is think and think again, like I owe it to them

Won't betray my monsters​, because they never will

I suffocate, while every muscle in me aches to scream

I don't even cry now, my tears have for long dried up

Leaving so many reasons to cry, none of them are real

Reasons are many, but tears be a long lost memory

I'm hollow, yet I feel like, like I just.. I feel too much!

Six Yards of Warmth

Diwali was around the corner, and it was getting chillier with every passing day. As the festive season approached, excitement rose, and finally we can spend all the money buying things we saved up for. It's sad how we enjoy this luxury while many are denied the common needs. Like every year, I would be donating some unused clothes and blankets to my maid and some to the NGO. That's my bit I give back to society every year. It doesn't cost me anything but those hand-me-down clothes may save someone's dignity. So, it was a fine Sunday evening, I took out the table and placed it against the closet. I held on to the handle of the closet and climbed up the table. My knees were starting to be a problem, ugh I must be getting old I thought to myself. I reached for the big suitcase above the closet and dragged it towards me until I lost control and it fell on the ground with a thud. I got down with great effort, oh my knees. I remembered​ how my mother always complained about her knee problem. She would often say how she hated her declining years. Somewhere I feel thankful that she left us sooner, I know how it must sound. I can bear the pain and the loss myself, but I could not watch her spirit die with every chemotherapy. I was devastated when she was diagnosed with cancer, but a little relieved when she was finally relieved from all the pain.

Pushing aside all my thoughts, I opened the suitcase. There were so many sarees, dresses, scarves, and some blankets. I dusted these and started taking out one by one. To my surprise, the clothes were a lot more in number than what I remembered putting in the suitcase, some of them I had not even seen in years. They were familiar, yet they seemed so distant with some faint memories attached to each one of them. While I had already half emptied the suitcase, I saw a saffron-colored silk saree. Not sure what kind of silk, but silk for sure. It was my mom's favorite kind of silk and mine too. Oh, how I fought with her for this saree, to which she triumphantly said, “You never wear sarees, why do you want to waste it over one-day worth an outfit?”. Without waiting for it she snatched it from me, I liked fighting with her over sarees. It always gave me a sense that at least she is fighting for herself sometimes. Well, that saree was really beautiful and worth the fight. I never really got over it, so when I was getting married I asked her for it and she willingly gave it. She was teary-eyed when I asked for it, I hoped and assumed tears were not for this saree, of course not.

Remembering all this and she was all too overwhelmed. I got up and dusted that saree. I stood in front of the mirror and put this saree over my shoulder, the mere feel of it, each and every piece of fabric had her presence in it. The warmth that I would feel when I hugged her while I sobbed. The times I had jumped over all of my successes, SSC results, graduation, or my first job, she was the first person I would hug. Other than these big occasions in life affection for each other in the family was never so obvious.

Whilst I was just looking myself up in the mirror with this saree around my shoulders, I remembered​ the little me, doing the same. Mom would watch me with admiration and would then drape me in that saree. Occasionally scolding me for not standing still, oh that was so much fun. Today, I stand still mom, I drape those six yards all by myself. Before I knew it, I had perfectly draped the saree and taken out the bindi stuck to the mirror, and put it on. Well, not bad, I thought. Tears started mounting in my eyes, it was getting heavier on my throat, too difficult to gulp it down. I felt a warm embrace of my mom while the saree touched my skin. I missed her so much, I composed myself and took out the jewelry box. Happiness filled me up like never before. I wore the bangles she gifted me on my first anniversary. I put on some cologne and I heard the loud honks of our car horns. I quickly arranged all the clothes lying around, put off the main switch, picked up the gift lying on the coffee table, got house keys, and left.

I sat in the car, and he helped me fasten the seat belt. I looked at him, took his hand, placed it near his face, and tapped on his watch. He says,” Oh, I know I know! But I am just 15 mins late… traffic you know!”. I roll my eyes playfully and correct him “30 mins” and gestured to him to get going. He looks at me again, “Hey you look beautiful.. and this saree?”. I nod and say, “It was my mom's. Gorgeous, isn't it?”.  

Bygones

For the people I once called my friends

Nothing lasts forever, so why the loose ends

For some goodbyes are better left unsaid

They be the reason for a hope that stays

For every person who once had my back

Through thick and thin, looked out for me

Whom do we fool here, did we really care?

Reckon, we did not, no one ever truly does

It hurts my heart, not because I regret

For we have lessons solely for us to grow

Moving on, I'll grow, knowing you were one

And collapsed lay pillars that held us high

As we part our ways, truth today I shall say

While you talk, look into the person's eyes

They say a lot more than words ever will

“I'm fine”, is a simple mask to hide behind

While their eyes scream a different story

Pay attention, be caring enough, read them

Killing an inch a time, to hold back the tears

If only you could hold their hand in yours

Couldn't you breathe soothing words a few

Needed not much to ease that heartache

Cries unheard by deafening self-occupancy

Friendly bygones wouldn't save us anyway